That’s how bad this man was at his job in 2009. He opened the calendar year by throwing six interceptions at home in a playoff game, then followed that up with a five-turnover performance, also at home, in his first game in September. Somewhere in between those 11 turnovers, though, the Panthers saw fit to give him a 5-year, $42.5 million contract — a deal which made him the official captain of the Ski-Mask All Stars.

Maybe all that guaranteed money was a thank you of sorts. After all, Delhomme did help this franchise get to a Super Bowl that it almost won, two NFC Championship games and three playoff appearances in 7 seasons, which would make quite a few NFL fan bases pretty happy. Still, Delhomme always seemed to be more lucky than good, and as any gambler will tell you, bad streaks are inevitable. That bad streak finally hit Jake last year, and the Panthers had to consider whether they were willing to take the salary cap hit to let him–

What’s that? NFL owners got rid of the salary cap? Well, that makes it a little easier, doesn’t it?

The question now is which way Panthers GM Marty Hurney will go next. The initial thought is that he’ll stick with Matt Moore for now. Matt Moore is not a great quarterback. Some would argue he’s not even a good quarterback. What cannot be argued, however, is that he is a winning quarterback. Moore is 6-2 as a starter for the Panthers, including a 4-1 stretch at the end of last season that saw him complete 61.6% of his passes, throw 8 touchdowns and only 2 interceptions, and compile a passer rating of 98.5.

That said, Moore doesn’t exactly light Charlotte on fire, and that’s going to lead to a ton of speculation about the Panthers’ off-season strategy. Ron Mexico started that speculation last week when he suggested he might like to play for Carolina - a notion that must have had owner Jerry Richardson rewriting his will to ensure that any Panthers GM who acquired Mexico over his dead body would be relieved of his duties immediately.

Plus, as of today, Mex is still an Eagle, so it seems Philadelphia is entertaining trade offers. Despite what Andy Reid says, though, the question remains which QB the Eagles will trade, and Carolina might be in the best position to make a deal here — not for Mexico, but for Donovan McNabb.

There are several factors at play here. For one, McNabb has worn out his welcome in the Illadelph for just about everyone not named Andy Reid, and while Kevin Kolb and Ron Mexico don’t exactly excite anyone, they would at least be a fresh start.

More importantly, however, the Eagles cut Brian Westbrook last week and are now shockingly thin at the running back position. Carolina is not so thin there. They have a strong 1-2 punch in DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, plus a guy named Mike Goodson who has what the pro types call “upside.” Panthers head coach John Fox prefers a running back like Stewart over Williams, who has a bit more power on the line. Stewart shined in Williams’ absence late last season, rushing for 5.7 yards per carry and 4 touchdowns in Carolina’s last five games.

Williams, meanwhile, is dangerous in the open field, which is exactly where Andy Reid liked to put Westbrook when he had the chance. Thus, it stands to reason that the Eagles could offer McNabb to the Panthers in exchange for Williams, and it would be the sort of blockbuster deal that benefits both teams. The Eagles get their new starting running back, and the Panthers get a strong veteran presence in the pocket to run their offense.

Personally, I hope such a deal doesn’t happen, as Williams is one of my favorite Panthers of all time, and I would hate to see his big play ability leave the state. Plus, Williams are Stewart are not only a great tandem at running back (and both better than anyone on the free agent market right now), but they have one of the coolest fan clubs in the NFL. Furthermore, Fox and Hurney are fairly conservative types who have a system that doesn’t put much value in a star QB, and they have to shore up their defense this off-season after Julius Peppers left for Chicago.

Still, business is business, and the bottom line is that a McNabb-for-Williams deal would get more season tickets sold in Charlotte than the prospect of a full season of Matt Moore. The mere notion of McNabb throwing to Steve Smith every week is pretty buzzworthy. What’s more, McNabb would give the Panthers a legitimate passer to fall back on if their running game falters. All Jake ever gave them was a gambler’s chance, and as any poker player will tell you, shouting “One time, baby!” gets old in a hurry.

Matthew Stafford is the starting quarterback for the Detroit Lions. The Detroit Lions are terrible. Yet even a QB for a terrible team gets to be a scratch-and-sniff plaything for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. In public. And the whole episode gets recorded for posterity. Must be nice.

Of course, Stafford probably deserved to have a moment like this happen to him just by virtue of being drafted by the Lions. He might never experience a win this epic again.

(H/T: The High Definite via @unsilent)

If Super Bowl commercials had not jumped the shark before, they certainly did this year. Even the “good” ads were severely lacking in entertainment value, and the misogynistic streak that ran through this year’s ads was unnecessary and self-defeating.  106.5 million Americans watched this game; at least some of them were bound to be women. Why air an ad that makes your business seem like a comic book store?

What’s more, as the video above shows, this year’s ads used a hell of a lot of gag violence to try and keep people’s interest. A few of those spots were entertaining — the dog collar ad was good for a laugh, and watching Betty White and Abe Vigoda get tackled was funny — but the more you look at this montage of slaps and pratfalls, the more it seems today’s mad men have fewer ideas than Hollywood.

My favorite spot? EA’s ad for Dante’s Inferno, simply because you don’t expect to hear Bill Withers in a video game ad. And I like that song. Well done, EA.

(Hat tip to Boing Boing for the first video.)

We cannot leave this city. Not now.

That’s essentially what NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue told New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson in 2006 after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Lower 9th Ward and left us with painful images of a shattered Superdome full of desperate people. Benson spent several years prior to Katrina demanding that the city and the state of Louisiana build him a new stadium on their dime. He threatened to move the Saints to another town that would buy him a shiny new stadium.

Lest we forget, even after Hurricane Katrina, Benson fought with the fans, assaulted a cameraman, and flat-out lied to the world about the condition of his facilities in Louisiana. He was itching to ditch Bourbon Street for a richer, sunnier city. Even San Antonio would have been just fine for Benson.

Paul Tagliabue said no. He saw what Katrina did to New Orleans, and he all but ordered the team to stay. He knew the message it would send. If the NFL abandoned New Orleans, then America had abandoned New Orleans. Someone had to be there to stand up for this city and its people. Who better to do that than the man in charge of America’s biggest sporting obsession?

Last night was Paul Tagliabue’s gift to the people of New Orleans and the survivors of Katrina. Decades of heartbreak, frustration and empty promise finally faded into the background. Sean Payton rolled the dice and won. Drew Brees played the game of his life — a game that the leadership in Miami or San Diego didn’t think he could still deliver four years ago. And in one fell swoop, Tracy Porter and his terrible haircuit turned the Super Bowl on its head.

If Paul Tagliabue had not stood up for New Orleans, would we have all lived through this Twitter-smashing moment? Would we be celebrating with a city that was nearly left to die four and half years ago and is still rebuilding today?

In the last four years, the Saints have come to embody the spirit of New Orleans. That spirit might not be there today if it weren’t for the NFL encouraging us to “Be a Saint.” That is Paul Tagliabue’s legacy. His leadership made last night’s celebration possible. With so much talk of the NFL disappearing in 2011, perhaps Tagliabue’s successor would do well to remember the importance of that kind of leadership.

Of course, just as soon as I make some exceedingly inane remark about shiny trophies, we get this monstrosity from the Russian Football Federation. This trophy, which goes to the club who has the best combined finish in the Russian Premier League and its equivalent youth competition, is made of almost 44,000 diamonds and 2.5 kilograms of gold. Yet somehow, it cost only $1 million to make, prompting Kobe Bryant to feel a sudden pang of buyer’s remorse.

And the bald dude in the reflection? He judges. Quietly.

This information comes to us from Yahoo’s brand-spanking new soccer blog Dirty Tackle, a gig that Brooks Peck got because A.) he’s very entertaining, and B.) I’ve been phoning it in for the last 18 months and still don’t have a plan for the future. But pretty much A.

Since I’m still phoning it in, though, here’s some other football-related stuff you should be reading:

• Every possible storyline for Super Bowl XLIV, and then some. [NFL Fanhouse]
• The annual Madden sim has the Saints winning by 10. No word yet on what Tecmo Super Bowl predicts. [Shutdown Corner]
• The Colts’ biggest fan? Jared. Way to go, Indianapolis. [The Sporting Blog, which, by the way, is all over this Super Bowl like white on Zenit St. Petersburg rice.]
• Memo to bakeries: don’t give the icing gun to people who know nothing about football. [Cake Wrecks]
• Anthony Bourdain takes on Miami cuisine. Sort of. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Jason Whitlock thinks NFL owners are foolish for even considering a lockout. He missed the part where the TV networks have to pay the owners in 2011 whether there’s a season or not, and wealthy men don’t stay wealthy by doing things that make them less money. [Fox Sports]
• Online betting in the USA is still technically illegal. And really sketchy. [Shutdown Corner]
• Drew Brees points out how the NFL is attempting to use the courts to become a single entity, rather than 32 separate teams. Kind of like Major League Soccer, come to think of it. [Washington Post]
• A complete list of soccer podcasts. And there’s a whole hell of a lot of ‘em, too. [EPL Talk]
• Royal Bank of Scotland has apparently had it up to here with Tom Hicks and George Gillett. [The Independent]
• The head of the Confederation of African Football banned Togo from the African Cup of Nations, just weeks after Angolan separatists sprayed machine gun fire at the Togolese team bus, killing 3 people. Here’s why he should resign after such an appalling decision. [Pitch Invasion]
• That whole thing John Terry getting his teammate’s girlfriend pregnant? He was just following John Harkes’ lead. I suspect it’s far less likely that England’s World Cup gets ruined over this. [Dirty Tackle]
• Brian Phillips is working on something awesome. Can’t wait to see it. [The Run of Play]
• Oh, by the way, the NAB Cup begins in a week. Are you ready for some footy? [AFL.com.au]

You might have seen my name pop up on EPL Talk recently — specifically for this piece about the Green & Gold protests at Manchester United. I’ll be contributing a bit more to EPL Talk and its sister site, Champions League Talk, over the next few months. My first piece for Champions League Talk takes a look at why the Champions League Final has become a bigger game than the Super Bowl — although the gap between their average audience figures (109M to 106M) is actually pretty small.

Check out those shiny trophies, though. Who wouldn’t want to leave their fingerprints all over either of those?

One day, we’ll have our grand underdog story again in a major football final. Just not right now. The stars have all aligned once again to give us another all-Goliath final.

It happened last May in Rome, when Spanish champions Barcelona met English champions Manchester United in the UEFA Champions League Final.

It happened in Melbourne last September, when the St. Kilda Saints and Geelong Cats, quite clearly the two best clubs in the AFL all season, gave us an epic Grand Final.

And it will happen again in Miami, when Indianapolis Colts, clearly the best team in the AFC, meet the New Orleans Saints, clearly the best team in the NFC, in Super Bowl XLIV.

Don’t think for a moment that these aren’t the two best teams in the NFL, either. There were no worthy challengers in the AFC, and whatever argument the Minnesota Vikings had vanished in a haze of fumbles and turnovers. Back in November, when these teams were both 8-0 and we absurdly spoke of runs at history, there was plenty of talk that Colts v. Saints would be the best possible matchup, the game we wanted to see.

And you know what?  We do want this. For all our big talk about Hoosiers and Joe Namath guarantees and Bloody Hell! Wimbledon beat Liverpool!, there’s something just as appealing in seeing the two best teams battle it out to determine who will be champion. Yes, we as fans have our allegiances to teams that ultimately fell by the wayside on this path, but we’re also fans of these football games, and what could be more compelling to us as fans than #1 v. #2 for all the marbles?

We will still dream of the improbable and revel in the glories of past upsets, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll tell you we want to see two Goliaths battle it out, too. The spectacle is just as grand, and ultimately, it makes us appreciate the underdog stories just that much more. Besides, if upsets happened all the time, wouldn’t they start to smell a little funny?

Let’s be fair. This is not the worst thing Prince has ever written. If you dig around the Crystal Ball collection or The Rainbow Children for a while, you’ll find a few things more unbearable than this. Plus, the man did give us the best Super Bowl halftime show ever.

That said, is this a “fight song”? Is this supposed to rally the troops? Would this make a Vikings fanatic like, say, Drew Magary want to run through a brick wall? I’d say no. Fight songs have some energy to them. This is more like an alma mater, complete with alma mater-ish lyrical oddities.

the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar
that’s what we came 4 and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold

It’s a bit more modern that “Gloriana, Frangipana, e’er to her be true,” but the vibe is pretty much the same. I get more pumped up hearing Brett Favre sing “Pants on the Ground.”

Prince seems better suited toward writing party songs, love songs and the occasional socio-political commentary — no fronting on “Money Don’t Matter 2 Night,” please — than a fight song for a football team. Let’s just hope he doesn’t try to put this up against what U2 & Green Day did in New Orleans a few years ago. Bono’s a total dick about copyright, but at least he picked a song that got the crowd completely psyched:

(Hat tip to Joe Ovies for the heads-up. Video from The Huffington Post.)

My interest in the NFL playoffs seems to have hit an all-time low.

I’m still paying attention, of course, but aside from being utterly transfixed by that shootout in Arizona, I haven’t actually been watching all that much. Saturday’s Wild Card playoffs were mostly background noise in my living room, while the Ravens’ win over the Patriots on Sunday seemed like a good time to go run errands.

And why not? I’m a Steelers fan. The Ravens and the Pats are the last two teams I want to see in a playoff game. If my team were playing one of them, that would be a different matter, but the Steelers’ season is over. I’m pretty sure most Washington Redskins fans weren’t so interested in watching that Cowboys-Eagles game on Saturday night, either. (Assuming Daniel Snyder hasn’t browbeaten their love of football out of them all together, of course.)

Football has always been tribal like this. This is our club, and these are our colors, and we will fight to beat your club and your colors. We love the Packers, screw the Vikings. We support Arsenal and want to kick Tottenham arse. Carlton rules, Collingwood drools. It’s a battle without a war, games in the place of guns, a fulfillment of primal urges that doesn’t leave massive scars upon civilization. This is why we express so much shock whenever real guns come into play, either by choice or by circumstance. We don’t want actual war to intrude on our tribal skirmishes.

It’s also why I was puzzled at some of the comments I read on blogs discussing the whole USL-NASL brouhaha.

It seems there’s at least a small contingent of people out there who think that there should be no other soccer league in America except Major League Soccer. Here are a few samples taken from MLS Talk and The Kartik Report:

“MLS is still trying to build itself into one of the top leagues in the world. We are getting there, but aren’t there yet. The NASL by invoking nostalgia for a failed league that bought big foreign players but left behind tons of debt threatens that. USL threatens that by signing MLS players to contracts that include free loaner cars and paid rent/apartments.

“MLS is the league we should all be following and investing our time and effort into. The investors that put money into USL or NASL are hurting MLS. Can you imagine if we could bring that money into MLS as well? It could be such a fantastic league.”

“MLS is our league and only by supporting the established brand does soccer get stronger. USL has always been an annoying little neighbor with fans who say “look at us, look at us.” but finally instead of continuing to dress up an ugly step sister, we are rejecting her entirely and sending away for good.

“I also call on CONCACAF to suspend all current and former USL clubs from the Champions League. We do not need a hard earned MLS spot being taken away again by an annoying Puerto Rico Islanders team that played 180 minutes of anti-football to defeat a superior TFC side.”

“Neither league ought to be in business and it would be good if those who have supported USL for years focused on MLS this year, with viewership and attending games. Together with one league we can move forward.”

Now, on some level, I suppose I can see this tribalism extending to leagues. It happens with college conferences in America — ACC v. Big East, Big Ten v. Pac-10, etc.

That said, I cram to understand why soccer fans in America are supporting leagues over clubs, or why these MLS fans feel so threatened by the existence of another league. Is the Premier League threatened by the existence of the Coca-Cola Championship? Hell, is the NFL threatened by the existence of the UFL? There are multiple football, baseball, basketball and hockey leagues all over this country. But no, MLS should be the be-all and end-all of soccer in America.

These people annoy me, because they’re basically saying that my local club, the Carolina Railhawks, doesn’t deserve to exist, and neither do any of the other pro soccer clubs in North America — unless they pony up $40 million and build a stadium to join MLS. They’re basically saying, “I support this specific corporate structure over yours,” oblivious to the fact that there’s plenty of room for both.

If the NFL suddenly went bankrupt tomorrow — I know, I know, work with me here — do you think its member clubs would just give up and go out of business? Of course not. The clubs themselves would reform and figure out a way to keep going, and their fans would continue to support those clubs. They wouldn’t say, “Oh, no, we support the NFL, and if you’re not in the NFL, you don’t deserve to exist.” Well, what happens if the NFL doesn’t exist anymore? Does pro football just die? Of course not. It remakes itself and moves forward, just as it always has.

I don’t care what league my team plays in. I’m going to support my team. The league itself is merely the structure that facilitates the tribes, not the tribe itself. That’s why I care about what’s happening in the lower divisions of American soccer, because that’s what impacts my club, and I want my club to succeed. The league in which they play is ultimately irrelevant. Why try to force people to be fans of a race in which they have no horse?

It’s also I’m not paying much attention the NFL playoffs this year. Maybe if I had an urge to gamble on games, I’d care more, and I’ll still watch the Super Bowl, but as it stands, my tribe’s season is over. I’m waiting till next year. So it goes.

And the best part about it? I didn’t buy it. It was a Christmas gift.

Sure, I did have to buy all my HDMI cables and throw $100 at DirecTV to get my set-top box upgraded, and my satellite bill will jump as well, but the TV itself? Didn’t cost me a dime.

There’s a lesson in this for Chris Johnson. Going into the final week of the NFL regular season today, the Tennessee Titans running back needs 128 yards to reach 2,000 rushing yards in a single season. Johnson, however, may or may not be hedging on the gifts he buys his linemen this year. Last year, he bought his linemen 55″ flat-screen HDTVs for helping him gain 1,200 yards. This year, he reportedly said he would buy them all cars — except then he said he wouldn’t.

“I never promised any cars. I said the offensive linemen wanted cars if I got 2,000 yards. I never promised anything like that. I’ll have to think of something nice.”

You can imagine why he’d be hesitant. Even if he only spends $25K on each of his five starting linemen, that’s a $125K outlay — no small chunk of change, even for the future first pick in every fantasy draft next season.

This is proof, however, that Johnson has yet to learn the first rule of being rich: Don’t spend your own money to get stuff.

This is how rich people stay rich. They get other people to buy stuff for them. You think those Hilton and Kardashian girls spend their own money on those expensive clothes? Hell, no. They convince designers that they have influence in the marketplace, and those designers fall all over themselves to give them free stuff.

Take a look at Malcolm Glazer. When it came time for him to buy Manchester United, he didn’t spend a dime of his own cash. He financed the whole deal, and he’s letting the fans pay for it. Sure, the fans aren’t happy about it, but did that keep them away from Old Trafford today for a 3rd-round FA Cup tie? Of course not. Glazer knows the fans aren’t going to stop supporting a club that’s in contention for major and minor trophies every year. Why not let those fans buy the club for him?

(Of course, the fans won’t be there for a 4th-round FA Cup tie, but there you go.)

Johnson is on the verge of becoming only the sixth running back in NFL history to rush for 2,000 yards in a single season. That’s easily worth at least a million in endorsement cash. That is the money that would pay for those Escalades for his linemen, and there would be plenty left over to help him through the seemingly inevitable 2011 work stoppage. All he has to do is show up for a few commercials, and voila! The linemen get theirs, Johnson keeps his paychecks, and everyone’s happy.

That’s how you do it in the 21st century, folks. You build your reputation, and other people will pay for it. 2,000 yards is all the reputation Johnson needs to get that sweet, sweet endorsement cash — and if he can’t turn 2,000 yards into seven figures, he needs a new agent. The economy might be bad, but it’s not that bad.

So let me get this straight.

Jim Caldwell leads the Indianapolis Colts to a 14-0 record, a rarity for any NFL head coach, let alone a rookie head coach, and he remained anonymous. Caldwell could have walked into the White House wearing a Colts hat and a sandwich board that read “HI, I’M JIM CALDWELL,” and even President Obama would have asked, “Who?”

Then, once the Colts had clinched home field advantage in the AFC playoffs, Caldwell decides to bench his starters midway through the 15th game, and the Colts lose.

And now everyone knows who he is? And they’re all blasting him for not chasing history?

Sure, there’s a part of me that hates his decision, too, since it made the Pittsburgh Steelers’ improbable shot at the playoffs that much more improbable. (Then again, does a team that lost to Cleveland, Oakland and Kansas City, three teams that are a combined 12-33, really deserve a playoff berth?) Houston Texans fans are pissed, too, as are all those football fans who would love to see Mercury Morris shut his mouth for once. Plus, at least one crazy Jets fan is probably wishing he had kept his mouth shut…

But let’s at least be honest about a few things here. For starters, Mercury Morris won’t stop yapping until he’s dead. Plus, how much did going 16-0 help the Patriots two years ago? Did they walk away with the Lombardi Trophy? In the end, what matters more — winning every single game in a season, or winning that one big game at the end of the season?

We know where Michael Irvin stands on this, but I suspect he’s in the minority. In the end, history will remember those 2007-08 Patriots as losers when it mattered most. Show me a Pats fan who wouldn’t trade that 16-0 regular season for a Super Bowl ring, and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t understand the NFL. Without looking it up, can you say how many teams had better records than the Steelers the season they won Super Bowl XL? I can’t, because it doesn’t matter. In the NFL, the destination matters far more than the journey.

If Caldwell’s Colts had won every regular season game and lost in the playoffs, we’d all say, “Same old Colts, always winning the regular season and nothing else.” By ending it now, Caldwell can refocus the Colts on the real goal, which is winning the Super Bowl. If he accomplishes that, all this 19-0 nonsense will be forgotten. There’s a big difference between perfection and greatness. If you can’t see which one is more important in this league, then I can’t help you, man.

At the age of 36, Ryan Giggs should probably be out of club football and in the announcer’s booth with Jon Champion by now. Yet there he is on the pitch for Manchester United, still scoring, still setting up his teammates and still contributing at the highest levels. He’s even winning awards for his longevity.

So what do these two geezers have in common beyond thriving past their expiration dates? Would you believe it’s yoga?

As the Guardian mentioned yesterday, Giggs has been practicing Hatha Yoga since 2003, and many believe that this has healed Giggs’ dodgy hamstrings and prolonged his career. Some have also suggested that yoga has helped shift Giggs’ reputation from typical party-boy footballer to mystical Premier League shaman — even though Giggs himself calls it “just stretching really.”

Williams, of course, would suggest it’s a little more than that. After all, he stumbled upon yoga when he disappeared into the California hills a few years ago, and he became a dedicated yoga practitioner and instructor. When he made his comeback two seasons ago — mostly because of that $8.1 million judgment the Dolphins held over him — he showed he hadn’t lost much of the rushing power that won him the Heisman Trophy at Texas in 1998. Perhaps he’s more centered now. Perhaps his body is just that much bendier than everyone else’s and can take the punishment. Either way, he’s making an impact at an age when most running backs (*cough* LaDainian Tomlinson *cough*) are too beat up to compete anymore.

When Williams has no further debt to the Dolphins, he’ll probably disappear into the hills again, where he can teach yoga — and perhaps resume smoking weed — all he wants and not worry about any billionaires’ lawyers knocking on his door and asking for a refund. Giggs probably won’t follow him up there, but if the two of them ever meet for a salad and a toke, someone really ought to be there to film the conversation.

Maybe I should have a chat with my buddy Elsie about this. I could use something to help me be a better blogger in 2010.

Meet Nyrel Sevilla. He’s six years old, and he’s here to knock your sorry ass into next week, bitch. And unlike Ben Roethlisberger, he’ll never have any trouble playing with a concussion.

Here’s a quick glance at some other stories worth reading:

• The Saskatchewan Roughriders lost the Grey Cup when Montreal’s missed field goal was negated by Calgary having too many men on the field. Montreal made their second field goal attempt, and the quest is on to scapegoat the 13th man. [Canada.com]
• Hines Ward’s comments on concussions makes the Steelers look far worse than they’ve looked on the field lately. [The Sporting Blog]
• Merrill Hoge has a slightly different take on concussions. [NFL FanHouse]
• Premier League CEO Richard Scudamore wants to kick your filthy pirate ass off the Internet for using Justin.TV to watch Stoke v. Burnley. Don’t expect him to offer a legal alternative anytime soon. [Techdirt]
• Can legal gambling and football co-exist in the wake of match-fixing scandals? [Pitch Invasion]
• Grahame Jones lays into the FIFA executive committee, calls them “rogues and villains,” tells us nothing we didn’t already know and can’t really change. [L.A. Times]
• Lionel Messi wins the Ballon d’Or. Predicting the sunrise was tougher than predicting that. [The Offside]
• MLS will give commissioner Don Garber a sweet contract extension on one condition: he gets the new collective bargaining agreement done during the offseason. Any more grenades y’all wanna toss on that powderkeg, MLS owners? [WVHooligan]
• The Rochester Rhinos have bolted USL for the new NASL. This is rather big, and I will write more about it very soon. [Triangle Offense]

And since this site still has extensive links that cover football’s origins and evolution, here are a couple of interesting pieces about that.

• Aston Villa pays tribute to William McGregor, the Scotsman who came up with the idea of a “football league” back in 1886. I’d say that idea was a success. [BBC]
• Here’s another look back at the gridiron game a century ago, when nobody wore any padding and players were killed regularly. Hines Ward would have loved it. [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

I would love to find out just how many regular House viewers heard this joke and asked, “Who?” I mean, sure, we all knew, but what about all those muggles who don’t watch football? Were there a few more Google searches for Mike Tomlin this week? I wonder…

(Gracias, MJD.)

In the case of American football, I would propose a slightly different theory. It’s not the disappointment or the hope that kills you. It’s the stupidity.

Take, for example, these very elementary numbers, provided by our pal Darin Gantt. When Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback, the Carolina Panthers are 46-8 when he throws less than 30 times in a game. They’re 13-32 when he throws 30 or more times in a game.

So on a Thursday night against Miami, when Panthers running backs are averaging 4.8 yards per carry — and that’s not including DeAngelo Williams’ 50-yard scamper — what do the Panthers do? They call 42 pass plays and 27 running plays. Oh, by the way, Delhomme was sacked four times on 3rd-down pass plays in that game.

You would think that in this economy, John Fox would want to keep his job. I guess he’s got a lot more cash saved up than I do.

Then there’s the Steelers’ special teams. Oh, the Steelers special teams…

As my buddy JJ Cooper points out, three of Pittsburgh’s four losses this season have featured major miscues on special teams. They allowed kick returns for touchdowns against Cincinnati and Kansas City, and Jeff Reed missed two field goals against Chicago. Reed also has developed a knack for being utterly useless on kick returns, which might be a small part of the reason the Steelers have given up four, count ‘em, four kick return TDs this season.

Amazingly, the Steelers shit-the-bed performance against the Chiefs — the Chiefs! — on Sunday didn’t cause them to loose any ground in the AFC North, because the Bengals gave up the ball twice in the 4th quarter and allowed the Raiders — the Raiders! — to score 10 points in the last minute of regulation.

And let’s not even talk about the Browns, who keep finding new ways to lose.

That’s what really kills you as a fan — watching your team do something stupid, and knowing in your gut that it didn’t have to be like that. Then again, we still hope that they’ll figure it out and get it right next week, don’t we?

After watching Jake Delhomme shit the bed against the Eagles in Week 1 this year, I fully expected the Carolina Panthers to have a very long and very ugly season. So I tuned out and focused on my Steelers, who then proceeded to shit the bed twice against the Bengals — which was no fun to watch, but didn’t make me think Pittsburgh’s playoff hopes were anywhere close to being dashed like the Panthers’ playoff dreams. Hey, the Steelers won a Super Bowl as a six-seed. Just get ‘em in the door, right?

Regarding the Panthers, however, there was one thing that I didn’t count on — the NFC’s extraordinary ability to suck.

Yes, even at 4-5, the Carolina Panthers are only one game behind all the Wild Card contenders in the NFC, and they fought their way into that position by running the ball, playing good defense, and generally ignoring Steve Smith’s incessant bitching that he’s not getting the ball enough.

What, exactly, does Smith expect? When your biggest liability is your overpaid quarterback and your top two running backs are gaining 4.98 yards a carry, you run the damn ball. Is Smith volunteering to line up in the backfield? The man has proven incapable of enjoying success when his numbers are down — although really, that just makes him a typical wide receiver, doesn’t it?

Either way, the Panthers have inexplicably found their way into the playoff race, and they can pull one step closer to being a contender — at least, as much as any mediocre team can be a contender in a conference that the Saints and Vikings are utterly dominating — with a win tonight over the Miami Dolphins. (8:00 PM, NFL Network) I’m not sure even the most ardent Panthers fans could have predicted that this scenario, especially with Thomas Davis and Jordan Gross out of the lineup with major injuries.

Meanwhile, the great irony of this game is that Dan Henning, who was fired by the Panthers for being the most boring play caller ever, is now being hailed as a creative genius for building the Wildcat formation in Miami. Where was that creativity when you were in Charlotte, Dan? Oh, right, you didn’t have Ronnie Brown… wait, you won’t have Ronnie Brown tonight, either. I guess you’ll have to put something together with Ricky Williams and Pat White. How many fascinating and innovative ways can run the ball off-tackle tonight, Dan? Show us that sparkling offensive creativity now, Dan.

Of course, all this mockery of Dan Henning — which, to be honest, is fun — becomes worthless if Jake starts tossing pick sixes again like they’re going out of style. Let’s just hope this Panthers team builds off that win against Atlanta last Sunday and does all the right things tonight. I suspect the NFL Network is thinking the same thing. The last thing they want to be known for is showing spectacular quarterback implosions every week.

I suggested that DeShaun Foster was better off taking a knee after getting that first down, rather that running into the end zone, because then the Saints never would have gotten the ball, and the Panthers could have run out the clock with a 4-point lead. As you might expect, the FanHouse commenters thought mockery was the proper response to that idea, in part because the Panthers still won the game.

Three years later, Maurice Jones-Drew takes a knee at the 1-yard line for the Jacksonville Jaguars, setting up a game winning 21-yard field goal and preventing the New York Jets from getting the ball back. It was a riskier move, because the Jags were trailing by a point with 1:48 left, but Jones-Drew seems to be attracting universal praise for making a smart strategic play.

The point here is that you don’t give your opponent the opportunity to score if you don’t have to. This is why Bill Belichick really went for it on 4th down on his own 28-yard line against the Colts. Converting meant Peyton Manning would not get the ball, and the Pats could run out the clock. Punting meant Manning was all but guaranteed to get the ball and engineer a game-winning drive. Plus, Belichick put his faith in his best player — Tom Brady — to get the job done.

We shouldn’t criticize Belichick for choosing to go for it. We should, however, get on his case about the play he chose to call. Honestly, the coaches couldn’t have picked something better than that?

Here are some other interesting football stories you might have missed:

• UNC serves up its most fortunate illegal forward pass since 1895. [WRAL FANKind]
• Dan Marino inadvertently shares his true feelings about the Wildcat formation. [Awful Announcing]
• Chicago Bears fans are sore losers, even when they win. [FanHouse]
• Allen Iverson as a Philadelphia… Eagle? Right. [The Sporting Blog]
• Japan calls on South Africa to ban the vuvuzela. Yeah, good luck with that, fellas. [The Guardian]
• Katy Perry launches new line of West Ham United lingerie. Now we know what Michelle Obama is getting for Christmas. [The Guardian]
• Belated congratulations to the Raleigh Venom, champions of Division II USA Women’s Rugby. [WRAL FANKind]

What better way to start the week than with an old guy flippin’ the bird?

Yes, Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was clearly enjoying his team’s win over Buffalo yesterday, so much so that he proudly stood up, pointed at the Bills, and gave them the finger — two fingers, from the looks of it. Oh, and he did that in a luxury box with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell looking on.

I suspect Bud’s fine won’t be quite as big as Chad Ochocinco’s fine for that one-dollar bribery stunt. I also suspect Bud will gladly pay up. After all, what’s the point of having money if you can’t have a little fun spending it?

UPDATE (6:00 PM): Wow, I was way off on the size of the fine. Ol’ Bud was fined $250,000 by the NFL today.

(Spotted on Shutdown Corner.)

First off, designer Ken Carbone spent Fast Company’s time telling people that NFL helmets offended his sensibilities as a designer. So he decided to make new ones — a concept that has “Oh, hell…” written all over it. First, he made a new helmet for the Washington Redskins:

For the Washington Redskins I tried a design direction that might be considered more politically correct in most circles by removing the Native American portrait, emphasizing the feather motif from the headdress and using it more dynamically on the helmet.

Except, of course, that the end result looks less like an Native American feather headdress and more like your typical Halloween peacock outfit.

Hey, there’s an idea. Let’s just stop calling them the Redskins all together and make them the Washington Fightin’ Peacocks. Then all the cheerleaders can dress just like that, but in maroon and gold. (We should have Vinny Cerrato go recommend this to Daniel Snyder immediately, just to prove how bulletproof Vinny’s job seems to be.)

Then there’s Carbone’s design for the New England Patriots

America! Fuck yeah!

While Carbone derides helmets for being ugly, though, some researchers have decided that helmets are actually hurting players more than helping them. Their ingenious solution? Take the helmets off. And who’s suggesting this? Australians. Of course!

One of the strongest arguments for banning helmets comes from the Australian Football League. While it’s a similarly rough game, the AFL never added any of the body armor Americans wear. When comparing AFL research studies and official NFL injury reports, AFL players appear to get hurt more often on the whole with things like shoulder injuries and tweaked knees. But when it comes to head injuries, the helmeted NFL players are about 25% more likely to sustain one.

Unless Barry Hall is playing, of course.

Andrew McIntosh, a researcher at Australia’s University of New South Wales who analyzed videotape, says there may be a greater prevalence of head injuries in the American game because the players hit each other with forces up to 100% greater. “If they didn’t have helmets on, they wouldn’t do that,” he says. “They know they’d injure themselves.”

What would be the end result of American football without helmets? Do I need to bring up 1908 again? Most NFL players aren’t going to suddenly stop leading with their heads right away — not until a few people die from on-field cranial fractures. When that happens, nobody will give the game time to slow down and look more like old-fashioned rugby. No. They’ll go right back to wearing helmets, and they’ll do so because the risk of slow, long-term brain damage seems better than the risk of instantly having their gray matter see the light of day.

More importantly, though, removing the helmet from American football takes away from what the game really is — modern gladiatorial combat without the swords. It’s a violent game for violent tastes, and it’s what the American people have chosen for the last century or so. They’re not going to quit just because a few jocks get their brains scrambled over time.

Maybe football helmets are ugly, then, for more than just design reasons, but it’ll be a long, long time before anyone decides to get rid of them. In the meantime… hey, Steelers v. Bengals. WHO YA GOT!?

As I sat here getting ready to watch my Pittsburgh Steelers in another big Monday Night Football game, I watched Ron Jaworski give a bit of his usual solid game analysis. As you can see from this video, David Anderson of the Houston Texans has seen some of Jaws’ analysis as well — quite a bit of it, from the sound of things.

I didn’t so much laugh as say, “Damn, that’s pretty good.” Your mileage may vary.

(Spotted on Awful Announcing.)

Even if you do dismiss the idea, though, you cannot dismiss that quite a few of these Tuskers will get NFL jobs come December. And at the top of that list? Tuskers quarterback Brooks Bollinger.

Yes, Jets fans, that Brooks Bollinger. He of the mediocre passer rating (74.6) and completion percentage (58.6%) in six sideline-heavy NFL seasons, who made many of you pray for the quick and complete recovery of Chad Pennington’s shoulder. In case you hadn’t noticed, the UFL is making Brooks Bollinger look like Brooks Manning. In three games, Bollinger has completed 62 of 88 passes for 767 yards, 9 TDs and 1 INT. That’s good for a passer rating of… wait for it… 126.4.

Remind you of anyone?

Remember when ol’ Tommy Maddox ran roughshod over the fly-by-night XFL and walked away with a big fat MVP trophy — this after four years of unfulfilled promise (and a 67.8 passer rating) in the big show? Remember when Steelers fans were practically overjoyed to see Maddox replace Kordell Stewart and, for about half a season, actually look good doing it?

My friends, this tale is about to be re-told. If the Tuskers go undefeated and Bollinger walks away with an MVP trophy, someone will offer him a NFL job. There are certainly enough NFL teams in desperate need of competent quarterbacks. The Raiders could use one. So could the Titans, Browns, Bucs and… oh, yeah, the Panthers.

Seriously, Matt Moore better hope this UFL lasts more than one season, because that’s the only way he’s ever going to prove he can be a starting quarterback. If he can’t win a start over Jake Delhomme and his 0.3 touchdown-to-interception ratio — zero point three, people — then he needs to get the hell out of Charlotte. You can’t tell me Matt Moore, who went 2-1 as an NFL starter when John Fox finally gave him the ball two years ago, wouldn’t be thrilled to swap places with Brooks Bollinger at some point in the next 12 months — or the next 12 days, for that matter.

Bollinger won’t be the only UFL player who comes out of this with an NFL job, but he’ll definitely be the most visible, and if this stint gives him the confidence to do the job at the NFL level, that will be a nice boost for this startup league. He should enjoy it while it lasts, though, because this will likely be the last time his passer rating hits triple-digits.

And I think I speak for most Premier League fans when I say, “Bloody ‘ell, he’s still at Pompey?”

The Numa Numa guy? Really, Michigan State? Was Rick Astley not available? Could you not get a Keyboard Cat to play you off?

Then again, maybe Keyboard Cat was wearing an Iowa sweatshirt that day…

(Spotted on The Sporting Blog.)

Y’know, in most cases, I don’t like to see a player from my favorite team getting blown up like this, but let’s be real. Hits like this one that Adrian Peterson delivers on William Gay are a big reason why people watch the NFL.

On the other hand, Peterson was compared to Earl Campbell here, and hits like this are a big reason why Campbell can’t walk anymore. Playing American football often requires sacrificing  your future quality of life. How much do you love this game?

(Spotted on Shutdown Corner.)

A few weeks ago, I found myself in a sports bar in Philadelphia, which was filled with people in Phillies jerseys who gathered to watch the Raiders upset the Eagles and kvetch about Andy Reid together. At some point in the game, this happened:

You never see those lazy gulls in Melbourne get involved in a footy match, but this pigeon? Yeah, he’s ready to go. And it would have been just a fun little aside — until Justin Fargas spoke up and said that the pigeon was the reincarnation of Marquis Cooper, the Raiders linebacker who died in a boating accident last March.

So how does a little piece of Marquis Cooper end up in pigeon in Oakland? Let’s examine this a bit further, beginning with the notion that, as the old saying goes, you are what you eat.

Marquis Cooper was lost at sea and presumed dead after suffering from hypothermia in the waters off the Gulf Coast of Florida. So we can suppose that his body sank to the bottom of the Gulf, where he was likely eaten by some fish. So those fish carried little bits of Marquis with them.

Perhaps those fish then came closer to the shore, where some pigeons (Mine! Mine! Mine!) occasionally go diving into the water for dinner. So one of those pigeons nabbed a fish that had dined on Marquis Cooper’s brain cells and took it back to its nest, where it fed its babies. That little bit of Marquis Cooper — the one that understood where it needed to be on punt returns, probably — was then infused into the being of one of those baby pigeons.

And when that baby spread its wings and learned to fly, it just knew where it had to be. So it began the long, arduous cross-country trip to Oakland — making plenty of new friends along the way, of course — where it could rejoin its teammates and play outside contain against the Eagles. After all, an eagle tried to attack our hero pigeon somewhere over Colorado, so he’s no fan of eagles. No fan at all.

This amazing tale has inspired me to come up with my own plan for reincarnation. When I die, harvest whatever working organs you need from me, then take what’s left of my carcass, drop it in the dirt, and plant an apple tree on my ass. Then, after that tree has fed off my remaining bits and started appling, invite everyone to come eat those apples. Eventually, some young couple who partook of those apples will get it on one night, and nine months later, voila! I’m back! Hand me my Terrible Towel, mom! The Steelers are playing!

Yes, it all makes perfect sense — until you realize, of course, that NFL players are more likely to suffer from dementia as a result of brain injuries than most of the general population. NFL players also seem to end up bankrupt more often than not. So maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t take at face value the ideas of someone who plays a game that is likely to leave him broke and stupid.

Oh, well. It sounded like a good idea.

In soccer, clubs loan players to other clubs all the time, usually because those players are young prospects on the end of the bench that need some experience. So big club A and small club B have a chat, and small club B gets to put said prospect in their starting lineup for a set period of time. Villarreal loaned Jozy Altidore out to Hull City for this season. (Of course, why Phil Brown isn’t playing the young man remains a mystery to me.)

We need this policy in the NFL, and the first deal should be for the Pittsburgh Steelers to loan Limas Sweed to the New York Jets.

Why? Because apparently, the New York Jets actually teach their receivers how to catch the ball.

Seriously, you saw Braylon Edwards out there in Miami last night, right? It took him all of one game to go from being Ol’ Iron Hands in Cleveland to making one clutch catch after another in a Jets uniform. That performance must have had every Browns player thinking to himself, “Damn, who can I punch to get the hell out of this town?”

So how did Braylon Edwards suddenly become clutch? Was he suddenly free of staph? Does Mark Sanchez put some special mojo on the ball that Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson don’t? I doubt it. Clearly, Edwards got coached up in a few days in New York, and that might have been better coaching than he had gotten in several years in Cleveland.

What a shame that the Steelers can’t loan Limas Sweed out to the Jets to figure this out. Clearly, Ben Roethlisberger throws a decent ball. He’s neck-in-neck with Peyton Manning for the league lead in completion percentage. There must be some reason why can’t Sweed catch his passes. He wouldn’t have been a 2nd-round draft pick if he couldn’t catch, right?

Maybe this will be the purpose of the UFL in the long run. Maybe the Steelers will be able to loan Sweed out to the California Redwoods one day and let Dennis Green coach him up. Until then, though, we have to settle for watching the Jets work miracles, while we hope Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes don’t pick up an injuries — because, y’know, they can catch a football. That’s why the Steelers pay them.

Plus, this popped up on the UFL’s Twitter feed:

Y’know, it’s almost as if someone other than Different Dave and Jeff actually reads this blog. Interesting. Perhaps I mention here that the league standings tab on the front page needs updating, too…

Imagine my surprise, then, when I went to the UFL web site and discovered they were showing the Versus feed online for free. That page is still up, too, with an on-demand replay of last night’s broadcast. That’s a quality move by the league.

On the other hand, they probably could have done a better job publicizing it as it was happening. They have a Twitter account like everyone else — myself included, of course — but they didn’t use it to say, “Hey, DirecTV subscribers, missing Versus? Watch Locos v. Redwoods live on UFL.com RIGHT NOW!” There’s no hint of such a message in their Twitter feed. That might have helped a little. (Apparently, it did show up on FanHouse, which is now billing itself as an “Official UFL Digital Partner,” but I don’t check there as often as I check Twitter.)

You know what else could help? A nice little game recap.

This is all the info that the UFL web site has about the game — a final score. No summary, no statistics, no highlight reel. No hint that J.P. Losman got off to a slow start, then recovered to lead Vegas from a two-touchdown deficit to victory, or that Locos kicker Graham Gano went 3-for-3 in field goal attempts, including a 53-yarder, which led to other players paying for his drinks at Tabu afterward*. Nope. Just the score.

That needs to change in a hurry. Fans of the gridiron game like numbers, and those numbers need to be up on the page. The NFL’s web site is loaded with stats, as is the CFL’s web site. So why am I getting more info about the game from FanHouse and the Las Vegas Review-Journal than I am from UFL-football.com?

These are problems that need to be addressed quickly — in no small part because the quality of play on the field isn’t so terrible. It might be damning the league with faint praise to say I saw a higher level of play from the Locos and Redwoods last night than I did from the Redskins and Buccaneers last Sunday, but there you go. These are guys with NFL experience getting coached up by guys who have coached games in January. They knew what they were doing out there. I wish I could say the same for the folks who designed the UFL’s web site.

* – May not have actually happened, but likely would have been awesome.

Yeah, me neither. I tried to get myself excited about the new United Football League, telling myself that this might be the only football league operating in 2011 — and this could still happen, given the current state of NFL labor negotiations — and that they have some decent coaches running the show here, so hey, maybe we should pay attention.

Then I saw some of the names on the rosters: Brooks Bollinger, Ingle Martin, Tatum Bell, LaBrandon Toefield, Taye Biddle, Bobby Sippio, etc. You’ll forgive me if I’m not quite gung ho on the level of talent on display here.

The fact that DirecTV and Versus are still squabbling doesn’t help matters, either. What’s that? I have to go find a sports bar that has Versus in order to watch that big quarterback duel between J.P. Losman and Mike McMahon?

These are just a few reasons why I’ve shut down The Star and Clam and redirected what little traffic that site had back here for the time being. That domain is available to pretty much anyone who wants to buy me a Jozy Altidore Hull City jersey. If I were getting paid to care, it might be different, but I’m not. Sorry.

Besides, if I really want to watch low-quality American football this year, I could always turn on the NFL. As my pal Bomani Jones pointed out on Monday, the NFL just isn’t that good this year. Look at teams like the Rams, the Chiefs, the Browns, the Buccaneers, the Panthers and the Titans, all of whom are winless and hopeless. Then there are teams like the Raiders, Cowboys, Redskins, who continue to play terrible football while their owners rake in the dough. The Steelers’ 4th-quarter play this season has been atrocious. Hell, the Denver Broncos are the worst 4-0 team I’ve ever seen.

On top of that, the number of truly compelling storylines in the NFL this season seems awfully small. It’s little wonder that ESPN shouted Favrity Favre Favre Favre to the high heavens on Monday night. What else is there to talk about? The fact that Tony Romo sucks? The contempt that Daniel Snyder has for Redskins fans? The lack of attendance in Jacksonville? The whimpering return of Ron Mexico? The Jets’ sudden fascination with jealous receivers who can’t catch? The possibility of a work stoppage in two years?

It’s no wonder the NFL media is so obsessed with Twitter. It’s a welcome distraction from the complete lack of positive NFL stories this year — unless you can find something positive in Favre’s latest comeback (no) or the possibility of a Manning v. Manning Super Bowl. (maybe)

And yet it’s still more compelling than watching Simeon Rice and Dexter Jackson try to relive their glory days in a startup minor league.

I wish you well, UFL, but if you’re looking for me, I’ll be getting up early on Halloween to watch the North London Derby on ESPN2. Good luck with the whole Versus thing, too.

YA BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!

(Flickr photo from tomrichnc. If you have no clue what I’m talking about, look here.)