Listen, if you’re in the NFL and you only play one game a week for 6 months or less, you ought to be professional enough to know that going out on a Jim Leyritz-style bender the night before is probably a bad idea. There’s plenty of time to party during the week and the offseason. Just ask Kyle Orton. There’s no reason to be so out of it on Sunday morning that you have to pop greenies just to get yourself ready to play. Drink a couple bottles of Bawls and an extra 20 of Gatorade if you have to. It’s the same thing, and last I checked, guarana-derived caffeine isn’t illegal in the NFL.

Of course, here’s the comedy in all this — as soon as a certain drug becomes a problem in Major League Baseball, it’s the National Football League that acts on it. I wonder why that is…

ATLANTA (AP) — A hedge fund manager accused of disappearing with millions of dollars belonging to at least 500 investors — including current and former NFL players — now faces 24 additional counts in his federal fraud case.

Kirk Wright of Marietta was arrested May 17 in Miami after three months as a fugitive, and was indicted on May 25 on one count of mail fraud by a federal grand jury in the Northern District Court of Georgia…

Last week, seven current and former NFL players sued the league and its union in U.S. District Court to recover $20 million, claiming the union endorsed Wright’s services even though its manager had liens against him.

Look — here’s the deal. Nobody is happy. Nobody is happy just getting to the Super Bowl. We lost. And look at how we lost. We are so focused and detailed in every way to win the Super Bowl. That’s the only reason we play.

Our defense is going to be better with J.P. (Julian Peterson). I mean, this guy is a freak. He can play every position. And, yes, it was a loss with Steve (Hutchinson) going to Minnesota. But my man Pork Chop (Floyd Womack) looks good. I mean, how can you be bad with a name like Pork Chop?

The only reason someone gets named “Pork Chop” is because he eats too many of them. Cholesterol is good for plugging up arteries, but holes in the offensive line? Yeah, get back to me on that one.

The most wrong item up there? The Seattle Seahawks at #1. Name the last Super Bowl loser that made the playoffs the following year. It’s been a little while. Clayton, Pasquarelli & Co. seem to have conveniently forgotten that. Sure, the NFC West still sucks, but there is a history of hangovers at work here, and Eddie George isn’t walking through that door anytime soon. (Considering Shaun Alexander is on the cover of Madden 07, the Seahawks may end up with Eddie George before it’s over.)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Don’t show me power rankings until after Week 1. Then we’ll talk. In the meantime, how about another fascinating Ricky Williams round-up, ESPN?

Then again, in the six games Reed missed with an ankle injury last season, the Ravens went 1-5, beating only a Tommy Maddox-led Steelers team in a game that made me very sad. Reed’s presence may actually help the Ravens’ defense. Not that I would ever hope for such a thing…

Hey, it takes a hell of a lot of money from sales of really crappy beer to put on a spectacle as grand as the Super Bowl. Besides, where would we be without all those zany Bud Light commercials? If no one is there to convince dumb guys that hiding bottles of horse piss around the office is a good idea, Monster.com has fewer job openings to display and less money to spend on Super Bowl ads themselves. The football economy has to keep moving, people…

That’s okay, Bengals fans. You still have to live with Chris Henry.

(Thanks, MJD. I think…)

Brown probably won’t be the last AFL player to make a jump before training camp, but he may be the only one that gets a 2-year deal. I’d wish him luck, but the Chiefs face the Steelers in Week 6. So I’ll just wish him luck against the Bengals, Browns and Ravens.

Former NFL wide receiver and return specialist Theo Bell, whose 10-year career in the league included a pair of Super Bowl victories with the Pittsburgh Steelers, died Wednesday at age 52 after a long battle with kidney disease…

Bell, the Steelers’ fourth-round choice from Arizona in the 1976 draft, played five seasons in Pittsburgh (1976-80), then signed with Tampa Bay as a free agent in 1981, and played five seasons with the Bucs (1981-85). With the Steelers, he won Super Bowl rings for victories in Super Bowl XIII and Super Bowl XIV, playing as the team’s No. 4 wide receiver and as a punt returner and on special teams coverage units.

In 10 seasons, Bell appeared in 127 games. He caught 136 passes for 2,375 yards and eight touchdowns and returned 189 punts for an 8.0-yard average.

After his career, Bell, who had been raised in a series of foster homes in California, became involved in a number of charitable endeavors in the Tampa community. The most prominent was the GEARUP program, which originated at the University of South Florida, in which a mentor counsels a group of children from middle school and follows their progress through high school. Bell was particularly involved with Blake High School in Tampa.

Follow me on this one:

Back in April, the Rebels were supposed to send game tapes to the juggernaut that is Richmond Bandits in preparation for their next matchup with each other. Those tapes didn’t arrive until a month later. This came just a week or two after the team was purchased from the league by the same ownership group that controls the Rome Renegades. It’s unclear how the Rebels were punished by the AIFL for this infraction, but clearly it wasn’t to the Bandits’ liking.

So the Bandits decided to get childish and withheld game tapes from the Rebels for a few days. In response, the Rebels waited even longer to deliver their game tapes to the Bandits. Then the AIFL league office called the Bandits on the day of the game and told them that they violated league rules and had to pay $3,000 in fines. Before kickoff. Or they would forfeit. Richmond complained that the Rebels were even later with tapes and should be fined as well. The AIFL didn’t see it that way.

All full of righteous indignation, the Bandits chose not to pay the fine, forfeited the playoff game, gave refunds to the 1,000 or so disappointed fans who bought tickets in advance, and decided to leave the AIFL.

Can you imagine an NFL team pulling a stunt like that? Can you picture the Seattle Seahawks complaining so much about the refs and “selective enforcement of the rules” that they would decide that principle was worth more than a playoff game? Even Mark “Ask me a real fucking question” Cuban would never go that far.

Granted, the economics of this situation are a lot different at this level. It could be possible that the Bandits ownership determined that paying the fine and playing the game would make them less money than forfeiting and giving 1,000 refunds. Still, giving up a shot at a title — any title — because you think the league is being unfair? I bet nobody who went to this party saw that coming.

The Way Things Are writes that the Bandits probably did the right thing in response to the league, but in the end, nobody really comes out of this situation a winner. AIFL president Andrew Haines is, in the opinion of many people on the Our Sports Central messageboards, a level 40 douchebag who may or may not be playing favorites with his tiny league’s team owners. The Bandits’ front office, however, acted like petulant brats by deliberately delaying game tape shipments, then cancelling a home playoff game when the league went after them, unfairly or not. A little professionalism on both sides could have prevented this mess.

What happens next is anybody’s guess. There’s talk of a new league is being formed for all the teams pissed off at both the AIFL and NIFL. That’s how United Indoor Football was born, and it’s been pretty stable this year compared to the AIFL and NIFL. In fact, UIF has the right idea. It’s a regional minor league that tries hard to keep costs low and keep fan interest high. Maybe there’s still a chance that some of these southern AIFL and NIFL teams will create the same kind of league and build a little interest in this area. Having teams from Raleigh, Richmond, Fayetteville and Greensboro together in the same league might intrigue a few football fans around here.

Then again, maybe Raleigh, still drunk from the champaign it’s drinking from the Stanley Cup, would be better off bringing Arena Football back to town. That would be a lot more fun to watch than the last Raleigh Rebels game I attended.

Just a day after Santonio Holmes was charged in Columbus, Ohio, with two misdemeanor counts of domestic violence and simple assault, Bengals’ 3rd-round pick Frostee Rucker, a former USC defensive end, was charged in L.A. with four misdemeanors — two counts of spousal battery and two counts of vandalism. Rucker has an arraignment date on July 13, and a warrant for his arrest will be issued if he misses it.

If you’re keeping score, that’s three Bengals players in trouble with the law — Rucker, Chris Henry and A.J. Nicholson. Henry alone has three arrests since December. Bravo, Cincinnati. You really do lead the way in the AFC North.

By comparison, the Steelers have two players with legal trouble, if you count Ben Roethlisberger’s citation for riding a crotch rocket with an expired learner’s permit. (And I do, because Big Ben was a dumbass for not wearing a helmet.) Not to be forgotten, the Cleveland Browns have one — Reuben Droughns, whose reputation for being a “good character guy” went right out the window with assault and harassment charges against his wife. (To be fair, Droughns and Holmes have both apologized to their teams for their legal troubles.)

The Baltimore Ravens, meanwhile, have been relatively quiet this off-season. Boy, they really fell off in every category possible, didn’t they?

Naturally, he was not pleased with the press coverage.

I never did anything wrong in my life. [I've] never been in trouble with the law. All I ever did was play football and go to school and help in the community. I didn’t get the benefit of the doubt. The media jumped and ran with it.

Welcome to the NFL, kid.

Meanwhile, Ricky Manning Jr. is still on the case, so while he’s innocent until proven guilty, we can still make fun of him for being stupid.

The Cleveland Browns will give quarterback Ken Dorsey a chance in training camp to secure the No. 2 spot on the depth chart behind starter Charlie Frye, but head coach Romeo Crennel made it clear as his team completed a three-day minicamp over the weekend that the phone number for free agent veteran Vinny Testaverde is on his speed dial.

Crennel never mentioned Testaverde by name, but joked at one point that the player he had in mind as a potential insurance policy was “older than me” and noted that his familiarity with the offense system meant he “could come in on Friday and he’d be good to go on Sunday.” It didn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection.

Right. Seriously, I can name at least three Arena Football quarterbacks off the top of my head who would be better third-string quarterbacks than Vinny Testaverde, even under emergency circumstances. Romeo Crennel must not have a TiVo, because if he did, he might have seen just how atrocious Vinny was last season. There was a reason the Jets kept Brooks Bollinger out there. Knowing the offense isn’t enough; you have to be able to perform in it.

Granted, this is third-string quarterback we’re talking about here, but both the Steelers and the Jets proved the importance of having decent backups last season. If Testaverde really is on Romeo’s speed-dial, Browns fans better pray for the continued good health of Charlie Frye, starting…. now.

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes was charged with domestic violence early Monday, police said.

Holmes was arrested at an apartment just after midnight and taken to Franklin County Jail, Sgt. Loucious Hollis said. He is scheduled to appear in court Tuesday morning.

Hollis confirmed the domestic violence charge against Holmes, but declined to say who made the complaint or provide details of the allegation.

This may get dropped and disappear before training camp. We’ll see. Either way, Steelers fans aren’t going to fret over this guy as much they will over their helmetless quarterback.

Check out this article in World Footy News, in which the “socceroos” who claim that soccer is going to overtake Aussie Rules football in popularity get a big fat red card. Aussie Rules popularity is on the rise in Australia, much like NFL popularity has been on the rise in America most of this decade. We also learn this:

A little known fact is that per capita the highest ground attendances for any national league in the world – of all the world’s football codes – is…..the AFL. (Australian Football League) More than the English Premier League or any European league including the powerful German league, more than America’s NFL, more than all the South American leagues – see Sports Attendances.

Of course, the per capita stat is important here, as the average number of fans at NFL games (67,593) is nearly double the average number of fans at AFL games. (35,703) Still, it’s a sign that Aussie Rules’ popularity isn’t dwindling down under as soccer encroaches on its territory, no matter what those horrible “socceroos” will tell you. They tried the same thing in Ireland, and guess what? It didn’t work there, either…

That Australian Football is more entertaining to watch is commonly described as a reason why the indigenous game can cope with the world game even in an era of globalisation…

Ireland is a case in point – Gaelic football with its similarities to Aussie Rules was put under enormous pressure by the Republic of Ireland’s qualification to 3 FIFA World Cups since 1990, including second round progression in ‘94 and ‘02. The Irish soccer hierarchy spoke of their game becoming number 1 and the demise of the GAA, and were reported in Ireland as singing “you can stick the GAA up your a…” on the plane home after their qualification match in ‘93. 13 years later Soccer is much stronger in Ireland and the national team enjoys virtual universal support, but paradoxically Gaelic football crowds are larger than ever and continue to dwarf the local Irish soccer league. That an amateur sport like Gaelic football, played in a country with a population less than Sydney and next door to the English Premier League, can outdo soccer is a fact worth mulling over.

Indeed. Nobody’s even trying to pull this crap in America, either. Consider that the average Major League Soccer game attendance (15,108) is barely higher than the average attendance for Arena Football. (12,830) The NHL outdraws MLS. How about that?

Oh, by the way, average attendance for CFL games is 28,438. Molson Stadium in Montreal may have resembled a Division I-AA college stadium in America, but it was packed with Alouettes fans on Friday night. The skyline behind the stadium is gorgeous in HD, too…

But I digress. The point is that nations that have their own native football games really don’t have anything to worry about. Sure, watching 15,000 Koreans jump and shout in unison for 90 minutes straight is entertaining, but it’s the game that’s on the field that counts, and if your country has its own brand of football, it’s probably more fun to watch than this “world game,” and that world game will probably make your own game more popular. The NFL may have its best year ever in 2006.

Y’know, we should have more Aussie Rules games televised in America. ESPN used to show Aussie Rules football all the time. Maybe we can get OLN/Versus on the case for that. Maybe they could show one of those International Rules football matches, too. That would draw some curiosity seekers, no?

If you need a quick comparison and contrast between American and Canadian football, look here. Obviously, it’s a lot more like traditional football than Arena ball…

Carolina Panthers wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass. He said so at Panthers camp last week:

I’m always nice. People don’t like me because I don’t kiss their ass.

Apparently, the woman who cut my hair at SportClips this week likes that in a man — really likes it.

“I luuuuuv him,” she said musically, pulling back the clippers to put her hand on her heart, closing her eyes and wearing a big fat grin on her face. “I saw him talking on TV the other day. He was all actin’ up and stuff, and I was like, ‘Ooh! Ooh, he’s feisty!‘ I like that.”

I suspect she isn’t the only woman who digs feisty in her football stars. A lot of women in Charlotte probably heard Keyshawn was a divorced single parent and decided that those kids really need a mama. The only question is whether those would be stepmamas can get past Keyshawn’s mama, who clearly takes less shit than Keyshawn himself…

She’ll be at the games, and she’ll be cussing out the other teams. She’ll be at every single game, screaming and hollering, calling Foxy (coach John Fox) dumb, calling Dan Henning old, saying Jake Delhomme can’t throw, saying “why do they give the ball to Steve Smith all the time?” She’ll be doing all those things.

Oh, yes, following the Panthers is going to be fun this year…

Of course, it won’t help him deflect the pot shots from fans of other AFC North teams. Bengals fans are calling it karma for Carson Palmer’s knee injury in the playoffs. Browns fans are calling him “Ben Toothlessberger.” Ravens fans have deluded themselves into thinking they’re the favorites to win the division, proving that Brian Billick’s unique form of insanity is contagious.

This is also what you get when you crash your crotch rocket without wearing a helmet. It’s going to be brutal on the road for the Steelers next season…

Clearly, a potential star as unhappy as Larry Johnson didn’t have enough positive role models in his life. He just needed someone to show him what a real violent outburst is. Perhaps the two of them will start busting heads at biker bars together, and those bonding experiences will help Johnson have a record year in Kansas City.

Or maybe the Chiefs will start sucking more than the Royals. After all, unstable molecules only work well in comic books.

Roethlisberger has a broken jaw, a broken nose and some injuries to his teeth but otherwise came through his motorcycle accident on Monday with nothing else but some scrapes and bruises. Published reports that detailed injuries to his knees and shoulders are untrue, sources said.

One source said that the surgery on Roethlisberger’s face took so long — seven hours — in order to assist in a faster recovery time. Roethlisberger also should be ready to participate in training camp, although he may not play in the first preseason game Aug. 12 in Arizona.

No kidding. While they’re at it, why don’t they reconstruct his face to look like Bernie Kosar? That should fool defenses into thinking he’ll never take off running…

It’s hard to know where to begin with the Charlotte Observer’s 20 Questions with Keyshawn Johnson article, which was published Sunday. Perhaps the best place to start is with, y’know, the criminal activity…

Did you participate in the 1992 L.A. riots as a looter?

Yeah. We weren’t raised in Beverly Hills with (silver) spoons in our mouth, or in the hills of North Carolina. It just doesn’t work that way. It’s a different life. You have to survive. That was part of survival. What we took, it wasn’t so much a need. It was a want.

Nice. So the looting was part of survival, but it wasn’t exactly a need. That’s a bit of a contradiction, no?

Of course, Keyshawn is full of contradictions. For example, in one place, he says:

My belief is there’s only one me. Period.

Then in another spot, he says of Steve Smith:

What is a personality conflict between two people who are friendly? His personality matches with mine. We are the same person! So, what personality conflict?

Of course, he’s quick to clarify…

Everybody who’s 6-(foot-)4, 200 (pounds) and some change who comes out of Southern Cal isn’t Keyshawn Johnson — don’t get it twisted. You know, Mike Williams is no Keyshawn Johnson. I caught 70 balls as a rookie (actually 63) and played on a (really) poor team. He’s on a (really) poor team, he can’t even get on the field.

And by “(really),” he probably means “piss.” He also means that Steve Smith and Mike Williams didn’t go grabbing new Nikes after the cops who beat on Rodney King were acquitted.

I’ll say this about Keyshawn, though — he came out and admitted it. Flimsy justification or no, he didn’t try to cover up the fact that he went looting with everyone else in ‘92. Most people try to hide that stuff and end up looking like fools when it finally comes out. Keyshawn isn’t giving the press that kind of ammo. Perhaps he knows he has more to lose if he gets “exposed,” what with all those shopping centers and restaurants in SoCal. Of course, if his stores get looted during another riot, he might feel a little differently about that whole “survival” thing.

Then again, the only riot surrounding Keyshawn these days may be his mom.

She’ll be at the games, and she’ll be cussing out the other teams. She’ll be at every single game, screaming and hollering, calling Foxy (coach John Fox) dumb, calling Dan Henning old, saying Jake Delhomme can’t throw, saying “why do they give the ball to Steve Smith all the time?” She’ll be doing all those things.

Oh, it will be so much fun to sit next to her this year. I wonder if she’ll roll up in the BOA with a posse like Allen Iverson’s mom does in the Illadelph…

• Doctors tell the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that the first 24 hours will be crucial to Ben Roethlisberger’s recovery.
• AP Columnist Tim Dahlberg wonders why any athlete would tempt on a crotch rocket.
• Sportsline columnist Pete Prisco hopes the accident will be Big Ben’s wake-up call. (So do I, but you knew that already.)
• Yahoo Sports’ Charles Robinson says this wreck could also wreck the Steelers 2006 season.
• Mighty MJD reminds us what Joey Porter said about concrete.
• Sportz Assassin tells us that the Steelers’ online gift shop sells a bike helmet. (It’s actually for bicycle riders, but even that might have helped Ben a little. Here it is.)
• ESPN has some video content on its page about this story. Of course, when you click on the “Eyewitness account of motorcycle accident” link, the first image you see is the ESPN Mobile guy. Nice. Isn’t that phone service dead yet?

If Big Ben really does heal that quickly, we should start calling him “Logan.”

This has not been a very good day. Medicine is required…

That said…

It’s really difficult for any football fan to find out the hard way that your favorite team’s leader has all the common sense of 12-month-old. With colic.

It was just about a year ago that we all found out that Big Ben liked to ride his bike without a helmet. I know I didn’t react well to this news. I was in a bicycle accident as a teenager that probably would have cracked my skull wide open had I not been wearing a helmet. A friend of mine was thrown from his motorcycle in an accident a couple years ago and suffered some nasty injuries. Had he not been wearing a helmet, he’d be dead.

So when you hear that Big Ben “flew into the windshield and then hit the ground head first,” your immediate reaction is, “Holy shit! Is he okay? Is he okay!?” Once you hear that his injuries aren’t life-threatening, your next reaction is, “Why weren’t you wearing a helmet, you stupid fucker!? Why didn’t you listen!?”

After all, Big Ben wouldn’t think of playing football without a helmet, yet he has no qualms about riding a motorcycle without one? Imagine how much faster a collision is on a bike than it is on the football field. Oh, and collisions on the football field don’t involve Chryslers. I don’t care how big you think Casey Hampton is. A 300C would take him out pretty easily.

And so a Chrysler New Yorker took out Big Ben today. The good news is it didn’t kill him, but when that’s the good news, it’s troubling. Even if that accident was no fault of Ben’s, even if the driver of the car was careless and cut Ben off without paying attention, Ben will still suffer as a result of his own stupidity. He has to recover from a broken jaw, a busted left sinus cavity, and plenty of head lacerations — injuries he could have avoided had he worn a helmet. He also has to recover from an uncertain amount of knee damage, and if that damage is anywhere near as bad as the damage Kellen Winslow Jr. took last year, the rest of the Steelers and all their fans will suffer right along with him. That is not what you want out of your team leader.

We’re going to see a new mandatory helmet law passed in Pennsylvania really soon. As for Ben himself, I and all Steelers fans everywhere wish him a speedy recovery. We are also bitterly disappointed. Give up the hog, Ben. Go and get a Porsche Cayenne or something. And wear your fucking seat belt.