January 21, 2008. Manchester City manager Sven-Goran Eriksson, whose club is desperate for offense, has quietly flown to New York City to hold talks with the Red Bulls about a loan deal for one of their strikers. As he attempts to pass through customs at JFK International Airport, however, his passport triggers a strange alarm…
Customs desk clerk: Please step to the side, sir.
Sven: Is there a problem?
Customs desk clerk: Your passport has triggered a red flag in our computer system.
Sven: There must be some mistake. I made sure my passport was order before I left England.
Tubby, bearded TSA Official: Is there a problem here?
Customs desk clerk: We have a red flag.
Sven (smiling): Maybe the computer is a United supporter.
TSA Official (Hand on gun holster): What’s that supposed to mean!? You think this is funny!?
Sven: Not anymore, obviously.
TSA Official (grabbing Sven’s arm): You’re coming with me, sir.
Sven is roughly pulled by the arm and dragged off to a dark interrogation room with a wooden table, two chairs and a lone light bulb hanging from a chain overhead. The TSA Official gives him a rough pat down, removing his wallet, his Blackberry and a tiny book filled with photos of Marisa Cauchi, Ulrika Jonsson and Faria Alam.
Sven: Now see here! I’m a citizen of Sweden, and my passport is perfectly valid!
TSA Official: Sit down and shut up! You’ll wait here until we clear you!
Sven: But I–
TSA Official storms out of room and locks door behind him. A flustered Sven sits down and waits. Four hours later, an FBI agent in a black suit walks in with a file folder in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.
FBI: So, “Sven,” is it? That your real name?
Sven: Yes, and I would like to place a phone call to the Swedish consu–
FBI: Oh, I don’t think that’s going to be happening today, Sven. You caused a whole lot of trouble for us out there.
Sven: Well, I never realized this country considered football managers a security risk.
FBI: Football? What do you know about football?
Sven: Oh, wait… you still call it soccer here, don’t you?
FBI: Ah, so you admit to being communist.
Sven: I beg your pardon?
FBI: Well, since we’ve already established that you’re associated with the KGB, let’s get down to business. Have you had contact with anyone from the countries of Iraq, Iran or North Korea?
Sven: (Trying to stifle a chuckle) Is that was this is about?
FBI: Answer the question, Sven.
Sven: Nashat Akram. He signed with our club last week. He’s a fantastic midfiel–
FBI: So you admit to working with terrorists?
Sven: He’s not a terrorist! He’s a footballer! And he works for me!
FBI: He works for you? (Puts down coffee, pulls out cell phone and presses button.) Diane, we’ve got a Code Ten in Interrogation Room Two.
Sven: What’s going on?
Two more FBI agents in black suits walk into the room.
FBI: Sven, we’re gonna need you to take off that nice suit of yours.
The FBI agent snaps a latex glove onto his hands. Sven looks at the agents and sighs.
Sven: I so should have spent the 15 million on Anelka.
5 responses so far ↓
1 a different dave // Jan 15, 2008 at 1:54 pm
A bit too disturbingly close to reality; it took me a moment or two to realize it was satire.
2 Brian // Jan 15, 2008 at 1:57 pm
It’s so funny…and yet I feel so sad…
3 Dave // Jan 15, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Hrmmm… Yeah, it did hit a little close to home, didn’t it? I think it explains why I avoid flying anywhere anymore.
4 joejoejoe // Jan 15, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Damn. I wish this was real (the transfer part, not the police state). I told Jozy Altidore he should try to swing a transfer to Man City when he was blogging at the NYT.
5 Dave // Jan 15, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I’d actually like to see what Man City would look like if it had the Red Bulls’ forward line. Sure, JPA struggled at Aston Villa, but he wasn’t getting set up by the likes of Elano and Petrov.