Dave’s Football Blog

So Juiced Sports Blog decided to pull from its ass meticulously compile a completely random definitive list of the 100 most influential sports bloggers on the planet, and guess what? I’m #98! (W00t! Yeah! Suck it, Shanoff!)

After looking over my Feedburner stats for the last 30 days, though, it’s plainly obvious what’s really given me so much influence on the blogosphere:

Yes, there’s your wake-up call, sports bloggers. The truth is that everything I do on this here influential sports blog is really a gigantic waste of time and bandwidth. Nobody really cares where football comes from. Nobody’s all that interested in the fact people have been playing some form of football for two millennia in the far east, or that American football almost reverted back to rugby, or that “real football” is the biggest misnomer on the planet.

People don’t care about football’s origins and evolution. No. People care about Pam Oliver’s ass.

I shouldn’t even be doing “Dave’s Football Blog.” I should be doing “Dave’s Round Ass Blog.” That would probably get me 5,000 times more web traffic than what I’m getting now.

It’s all the same at FanHouse, too. I want to write about how Didier Droga ended a civil war in the Ivory Coast and how Arsenal’s new Russian investor wants to silence his critics, but what gets all the traffic on a daily basis? The photo gallery of soccer WAGs. About 97% of FanHouse readers probably wouldn’t even know there’s a soccer section at FanHouse if not for the WAGs gallery.

And before I was getting close-ups of Pam, what helped me double this site’s traffic two years ago? What do you think?

If this Top 100 list were even remotely accurate in capturing the most influential sports blogs on the planet, Poon of the SEC would probably boot Mark Cuban out of the top ten faster than he’ll get booted off Dancing with the Stars. Would KSK be KSK without its liberal dose of NFL cheerleader cheesecake? Would Sports by Brooks be as popular as it is without Brooks’ Army of Hot Chicks(tm)? If you really need a few seconds to answer that, you’re more naive than a new starlet in Hollywood.

It’s this simple: sports fans are predominantly guys, and guys want some tail in their sports blogs. Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of dudes typing. If you want to have some influence in the blogosphere, give the readers what they want — a nice round ass to drool over. Then you might actually make some cash off those Google ads.