Dave’s Football Blog

In a move that sent shock waves through the football world, the Cincinnati Bengals have announced that they have joined Barcelona, A.C. Milan, Liverpool and about 18 other football clubs in the bidding war for Arsenal’s Thierry Henry.

“Basically, it was my idea,” said Chad Johnson, the Bengals wide receiver who is friends with Henry. “He’s fast, he’s got great footwork, and he could be the first NFL star in decades who could kick and return kicks in the same game. Plus, we need a slot receiver, now that Chris Henry’s gotten his drunk ass suspended.

“I just hope we have the salary cap space to make the deal. I hear Barca’s offering 30 mil and some of Ronaldinho’s fake girlfriends. I’m not sure we can top that.”

Henry told reporters that he wanted to return to Arsenal, but did so in a way that ensured nobody in the press would believe him. In addition to Barca and the Bengals, Henry has also been linked to River Plate, Dagenham & Redbridge, the Toronto Argonauts, the Sydney Swans, the London Wasps, County Kerry and Will Leitch’s Hot Bitch Arsenal, a rec league club in New York.

“We changed our name to make TH14 feel more comfortable,” Deadspin.com editor Leitch told random tourists who only listened because they were afraid he might otherwise stab them. “Hopefully, the band won’t sue us for it. We’re auctioning off a night of unbridled passion with A.J. Daulerio on eBay to cover the transfer fee. This could be our year! Our year, man! Laugh with me! Laugh with me!”