So I’m flipping through channels this afternoon, looking for something interesting to watch. There’s a replay of a Premier League match on Fox Soccer Channel. There’s NFL Europa action on NFL Network. There’s a Spanish Premier League match on GOL TV.

Then I flip over to Versus, home of the most marginalized sports on television. They’re showing a Major Indoor Soccer League playoff game between the Detroit Ignition and the Milwaukee Wave. There might be 2,000 people in the arena watching this game. Why they’re there is a mystery to me. This may be the most annoying sporting event I’ve ever seen.

For all those people who argue that soccer isn’t American enough, here’s what you get when you Americanize the game. You get indoor soccer played on a turf surrounded by hockey boards, where goals count for two points unless they’re scored from beyond the three point line. Hard fouls and handballs result in two-minute power plays for the other team. Loud, annoying music blares through the loudspeakers inside the arena. When the public address announcer isn’t yelling at the fans to get them to chant, he’s reading 15-second commercials every 4 minutes or so, usually while the game is still being played.

Never mind that the level of play here makes MLS look like the Champions League. The people behind MISL took the game of Association football and turned it into a big smelly hunk of cheese. Clearly, though, people like cheese, because there they are in the arena. I’m sure that mom who bought her son a Chelsea jersey — ants on a log for everyone! — figured he would watch any live pro soccer, and from the looks of things, she was right. The kid looks interested in this game. I try to enjoy all forms of football these days, but I’m clearly wired differently than these people are.

I switched back to the NFL Europa game. It ain’t all that great, either, but it’s a step up from Arena Football and miles ahead of the train wreck I just witnessed. Of course, if Arena Football is good enough for ESPN, I guess arena soccer is good enough for Versus. That might explain why Versus is having trouble staying on cable networks these days.