Dave’s Football Blog

No, I really don’t give a rat’s ass what Joe Theisman thinks about Ricky Williams. I’m actually more interested in whether or not Ricky’s signing with the Toronto Argonauts might convince OLN/Versus to show a few CFL games, because they might be fun to blog…

Oh, wait, the CFL is going to be on one of those VOOM networks in the U.S. Never mind.

According to Clark Judge, Carolina Panthers offensive coordinator Dan Henning is fully expecting Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson to blow up at him next season. In fact, it almost seems like he’s looking forward to it, like the world just wouldn’t be right if those two weren’t cursing at him on the sideline phone. Said Henning…

There are going to be some blowups on occasion, and most of the time they’re going to explode at me. That goes on with everybody. But I’d rather do it with guys who can get the job done…

First of all, there are not enough balls for Steve Smith. He’s never happy, but that’s just the way it goes. Now, I know Keyshawn and what he expects, and he’s never happy, either.

But the point is: They’re what we need, and it’s better to have something when you need it — sort of like having an umbrella if you get caught in the rain. It’s what you need.

Henning may need another umbrella for himself when Smith and Johnson start raining down on him. I should take a poll on how soon the Panthers will get labeled “Team Turmoil” because of those inevitable shouting sprees. My vote is for President’s Day. Anyone else?

Eric Moneypenny of Fox Sports seems to suggest just that. Then again, Eric probably still gets pissed that James Bond kept hitting on his mom all the time…

In the past 50-plus years, American stars have bolted to the CFL for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the reasons are positive (such as the CFL offering more money, or a better opportunity), and sometimes the reasons are negative (suspensions, legal issues, or bad reputations).

We don’t yet know how well Ricky Williams and the Vikings’ Onterrio “The Whizzinator” Smith will perform in the CFL in 2006, or if they’ll ever be the same after returning.

I thought it’d be interesting to take a look at careers of other notable American runners that bolted north. It is interesting that I couldn’t find many running backs that were ever the same in the NFL after returning from a Canadian stay.

Is there a CFL curse on running backs? For this discussion, I won’t include backs like Lawrence Phillips and Rashaan Salaam, since their CFL stays were pretty much last chances.

However, when taking a look at high-profile running backs that took their game to the CFL, their NFL legacies suggest that Williams and Onterrio may want to sit this season out.

It wouldn’t be an offseason in the NFL if a few of its players weren’t facing the judge.

We’ll brush past Santonio Holmes’ little dust-up in Miami, which will probably result in a small fine and little else. A black man in South Florida could probably get arrested for just standing in the wrong place…

Last week, Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie, two of our favorite pervs from the Vikings sex boat scandal, pleaded guilty to misdemeanors stemming from that excursion. The punishment? A $1,000 fine and 48 hours of community service. The judge from Inherit the Wind gave a stiffer penalty than that. Clearly, this lascivious tale of horny football players was more interesting to the press than it was to John Law.

John Law has bigger issues, however, with Bears CB Ricky Manning, Jr. and Jaguars draftee Maurice Drew, who were charged with assault for allegedly beating up a guy with a laptop in Westwood Denny’s. Manning pleaded not guilty and is free on $30,000 bond, but if his lawyers fail him, he could end up serving up to four years in the pokey. Makes you wonder why the Bears didn’t spend their money on offensive players…

Meanwhile, Browns running back Reuben Droughns’ marital troubles have landed him in court. Droughns allegedly tossed his wife out the door after she something about a divorce. Perhaps Droughns didn’t think those legal proceedings were necessary. He now faces assault and harassment charges that could put him in jail for six months. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t Droughns’ wife who filed the charges, but his mother-in-law. Yes, Thanksgiving dinner is going to be fun at that house this year…

Of course, none of these players have fallen as low as Super Bowl record-breaker Timmy Smith, who was convicted of cocaine trafficking and sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison. I may have issues with the War on Drugs(tm), but man, cocaine really screws up your life, doesn’t it?

I’m not going to get all worked up about the fact that Santonio Holmes got arrested in Miami Beach on Saturday. Chances are he was dealing with a beat cop who gets his kicks harassing anyone wearing dreadlocks. Either that, or the cop was a very perceptive U. of Michigan fan.

When you think about it, though, this is really the NCAA’s fault. If the NCAA didn’t have that stupid rule that says a draftee cannot attend voluntary workouts and coaching sessions until his school holds its graduation ceremonies, Holmes probably wouldn’t have been in Miami Beach in the first place. He’d have been in Professor Whisenhunt’s classroom, learning the offense and bonding with his new teammates.

The NCAA sucks.

Craig “Ironhead” Heyward, the former University of Pittsburgh running back who bulldozed his way through a journeyman’s career in the NFL, died yesterday after a long bout with brain cancer. He was 39.

Sadly, apart from mentioning the strange irony of a man called “Ironhead” developing a brain tumor, all I can do here is point you this piece in The Onion as a tribute to Heyward’s all-too-brief moment in the sun.

Well, would you look at that? I guess David Malino started throwing to the red jerseys in this one. Either that, or the defense that looked pretty good against Daytona Beach looked very good here. I suddenly wish I had gone to this one instead of the last one.

I believe Raleigh clinches a playoff berth with this win. They won’t get any home playoff games unless both Rome and Richmond, both 10-2, lose in the first round of the playoffs, but there you go.

Oh, by the way, remember when I said that the Richmond Bandits were probably going to be a 72-point favorite against the traveling team known as the Ghostchasers? Yeah, Richmond won that game by a score of 113-0. Somewhere, John Heisman is smiling. So is Richmond linebacker Kevin Coles…

I don’t think there should have been a forfeit. We love to play. And another thing about this league, if you don’t play, you don’t get paid.

In other words, in the AIFL, you win to play the game.

Well, well. Looks like the American Indoor Football League has a new boss.

A sports marketing company called Greens Worldwide, which apparently still does brisk business making promotional CD-ROMs for college bowl games, announced on Tuesday that it has purchased the assets of the AIFL for an undisclosed (but probably not that big of a) sum. Greens Worldwide bills itself as “a vertically integrated sports marketing and management company,” and it already owns the North American Football League and U.S. Pro Golf Tour, for whatever those are worth.

Greens’ first order of business? Shutting down the AIFL web site, which will likely get a full makeover from one of Greens’ media divisions. Second order of business? Shutting down the Syracuse Soldiers, who were 1-9 and floundering in the AIFL North.

Maybe this company will do some actual marketing for the AIFL next season. The Raleigh Rebels will be lucky if they can get 1,000 people to show up for tonight’s game against the Rome Renegades in The Big Taco…

I pity the fool that has to cover me in the secondary! Don’t gimme no jibba jabba, Wright! Just throw me the ball! Throw me all the balls, fool! Mmmmm, them balls is tasty! I pity the fool that don’t like balls!

(Spotted on Cincinnati Sports via Deadspin.)

This is only tangentially related to football, but I felt like putting it here, anyway, as most offseason news right now consists of the NFL’s desperate attempts to put a team in Los Angeles, Reggie Bush’s desperate attempt to keep the number 5 on his jersey, and the quiet desperation of Quincy Carter and Todd Sauerbrun’s juice pusher. Woo. Watching Matt Nagy throw nine TDs for the Georgia Force in an AFL playoff game is actually more interesting than all of this combined…

Is it just me, or is OLN — or Versus, as it’s soon to be re-christened — quickly becoming the place for sports with cult followings that other networks don’t really want anymore?

Look at the current sports getting the most publicity on this fledgling network — NHL Hockey, pro cycling, Arena Football, yachting, rodeo and motocross. Can you build a sports network on this? Is it possible to make the NHL, a league that lost its entire 2004-05 season to a labor dispute, your bright-shining centerpiece? According to this article, regular-season NHL games on OLN drew an averange audience of 117,000 this season. 117,000. Here’s a short list of things that get more viewers than NHL games on OLN this season:

1.) The WNBA on ESPN2
2.) Poker tournaments on NBC and the Travel Channel
3.) Rocketboom
4.) Tiki Bar TV

Those last two are video blogs, people. When video blogs regularly get more viewers than your top-level pro league, your sport has issues — even if Amanda Congdon and Lala are much more attractive broads than Brian Bellows.

It’s not getting any better for OLN, either, given that Edmonton, the smallest Canadian city with an NHL team, is about to run away with the Western Conference Title, while teams from Buffalo and Raleigh are battling it out in the Eastern Conference Finals. Yeah, it’s not exactly Rangers v. Red Wings, is it? Raleigh is actually a bigger TV market (29th) than Buffalo. (49th) Who knew?

Let’s not forget that OLN stands for “Outdoor Life Network.” It built its network on hunting and fishing shows. Hockey and Arena Football? Yeah, not very outdoorsy. No wonder it’s renaming itself. If it weren’t for the NHL, OLN would probably disappear from cable and become a collection of video blogs aimed at TiVo-loving gun owners.

But Versus? Oh, yes, it’s going to be that perfect catch-all for every marginalized sport on the planet. Maybe we’ll see the return of indoor soccer to television. With no hope of getting NBA or NCAA basketball, maybe Versus can televise the new ABA. Pro beach volleyball could always use a good home. So could Canadian and Australian football, which continue to baffle us Yanks. Hell, maybe Versus can invent some sports, Slamball-style, to keep that coveted sports-hungry audience interested. Up for some Footvolley or Wallyball? Is it too late to form a pro Ultimate Frisbee league, or have those crazy hippies and their “Spirit of the Game” killed off all commercial opportunities?

Hey, how about some Toccer? Yes, Toccer, or Tennis Polo, as it used to be called. It’s a new team sport that involves running around with tennis racquets and smashing a tennis ball into a soccer goal. Somebody’s launching a pro version of Toccer called Viperball. There’s a made-for-TV name for you. “Viperball on Versus” has quite the ring to it, doesn’t it?

Any way you slice it, though, both OLN/Versus and the NHL have huge uphill battles ahead of them, especially when you consider that the number of people who watched last night’s Hurricanes-Sabers game on OLN will likely be smaller than the number of people who will see this footbag champ on Rocketboom. Kind of shame, really. That hockey game was actually fun to watch…