The Carolina Panthers stuck in the middle of their worst season since George Siefert proved he couldn’t really coach three years ago, and we’re here talking about their idiot kicker who got loaded up on meatloaf and gravy and ran his mouth off…
Of course, with half the team on Injured Reserve, punter Todd Sauerbrun may be the most interesting topic in Charlotte football circles these days. Sauerbrun revealed that he’s been fined a total of $40,000 for being unable to keep his weight down, and he offered to fill in at placekicker this week for the injured John Kasay, but only if the team forgave some of those fines.
The Panthers, of course, said no. Apparently, being a half-decent emergency placekicker doesn’t make up for being a fat load.
The outspoken Sauerbrun, who fancies himself as being a better punter than Oakland Raider legend Ray Guy, told reporters he has trouble skipping meals. “I can’t go to bed hungry,” he said. “I can’t do it. I’ve tried, man, I’ve tried. I’m not a junk food guy. It’s just I like good, hearty (food). I like meatloaf, gravy, mashed potatoes. You know what I mean? That’s what we just had for lunch.”
Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where John Travolta scoffed at a five-dollar milkshake? Todd Sauerbrun has spent forty thousand dollars on meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. What meatloaf is worth forty thousand dollars? That has to be the best damn meatloaf in the universe.
Or maybe it’s the gravy. I want to know what forty-thousand-dollar gravy tastes like. Seriously. Where can I get a taste of this stuff? If it’s so good that Todd Sauerbrun is willing to drop 40 large on it, why doesn’t the rest of the world know about it? This a marketing opportunity waiting to explode. Maybe Sebastian Janikowski, that other fat load of a kicker, could jump in on this as well. We could hold a promotional eating contest — Sauerbrun vs. Janikowski for the title of “Best Gravy-Guzzling Kicker.” The winner faces Takeru Kobayashi for the world meatloaf-scarfing title belt.
How does Sauerbrun’s accountant handle that? Is gravy considered a business expense? Can you deduct 40 large from your taxes for meatloaf?
I don’t think Ray Guy ever blew $40,000 on meatloaf and gravy in one season. If Sauerbrun really wants to get to Canton, maybe he should rethink his eating (and spending) habits…
On a brighter note, Sauerbrun did manage to convince the Panthers not to let Bill Gramatica try out for the team. There’s bad blood between Sauerbrun and the Gramatica brothers, and according to AP’s Jenna Fryer, “Forcing Sauerbrun to hold the ball on kicks by any Gramatica would be begging for a real-life recreation of all the ‘Peanuts’ comic strips in which Lucy pulled the ball away when Charlie Brown would try to kick it.”
Personally, I’d pay good money to see that. After all, Bill Gramatica is most famous for ripping up his knee ligaments while celebrating a made field goal. Even forty grand worth of gravy can’t top stupidity like that.
